Hold on a Moment Longer
by musicals4life
Summary: In an act of desperation, Taz does the unthinkable. Will she come to terms with what she did, or will she continue to sink deeper into her depression, cutting off anyone besides Up. The only problem, she doesn't remember who Up is. Follow Taz's journey of love, loss, confusion, and hope as she struggles to remember who she is, and who she can be if she just continues to hold on.
1. Chapter 1: Happy Birthday?

**Hey! I know it's been forever since I've posted anything or showed any sense of life on this site at all, but I'm back! I really hope you enjoy this story, and I want to thank my friend FamishedSinger for reading this at 12:30 at night and editing it for me! Tell me what you think, I hope you like it.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Taz (not even drunk Taz) or Up, Starkid does! (Lucky duckies!)**

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><p>Sometimes when Taz drank she was pretty funny, most of the time actually. Sometimes, however, she became dangerous. Well, more dangerous than she usually was. One particular night, Taz had just staggered out of Starship 15-A2's bar, determined to make it to her room before passing out in the corridor. She made the entire journey without falling once, until she came to her door. She leaned her forehead against the cool steel wall, trying to make sense of the numbers that swam past her vision on the keypad in front of her. Just as she was about to type in her pass-code, she fell not too gracefully onto the floor, landing roughly on the cold tile. Taz winced as she put most of her weight onto the wall next to her, trying with all her might to stand before some loser ensign came by and saw her like this. Before she could hesitate, she punched five numbers on the keypad at random, praying to dead-God that they were right. Just as she was about to give up and find a corner to fall asleep in, the wall behind her disappeared and she literally fell into her room, scrambling to her feet as the door closed quickly behind her.<p>

"_Estupido _door," she walked blearily to her bed, flopped onto the thin covers, and closed her eyes, trying to will away the stomach cramps and heaves as she felt the result of too much alcohol for her small body. Before she could stop it, however, she found herself running towards the small bathroom and emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet. "_Meirda_." Taz leaned her head against the cool toilet bowl, feeling the pains start to come to her head. She knew that she shouldn't have drunk as much as she did, and yet she couldn't refuse as more drinks came. Taz couldn't even remember why she was at the bar in the first place, was it a party? No, she didn't get invited to parties. Was it a graduation? No, surely she would remember if the worthless pieces of shit that they had allowed into the Galactic League had graduated. What was it? And why was there a sense of foreboding that seemed to fill her mind?

After flushing the toilet, Taz walked back into her bedroom and slid under her covers, shivering slightly. She tried to close her eyes and let sleep overtake her, but she just couldn't shake the bad feelings that filled her mind. She sat up, frustrated, and stalked over to the small desk that was mostly a resting place for her vast collection of books. She grabbed her calendar and pulled it over to her, thinking for sure that whatever the reason she was at the bar tonight surely was written down there. Taz knew it was childish, but she was scared to see what was written on the date. She took a deep breath and looked down at the calendar. What she found written there stopped her heart for a second. Written on the day's date in a messy scrawl that Taz identified as Up's was, "_Taz's birthday!_"

Now Taz remembered.

She remembered the horror that took place on her birthday, so many years ago.

She remembered the screams that filled the air as robots tortured and killed her family while she watched, helpless and unable to do anything to stop the massacre.

She remembered, but she had tried to forget.

She hadn't wanted a celebration of her birthday, as to her it was a day of death, but her friends insisted. So she let them drag her to the small bar and tried to enjoy herself. After a while, however, she had stopped celebrating her birthday and started drinking more and more, trying to forget the anniversary of her birth. She felt the memories wash away in a wave of tequila and beer that only left her dazed and confused.

It took a few minutes for Taz to realize that she was crying but as soon as she did, she couldn't stop. The more she cried, the angrier she got with herself.

"Jou shouldn't be crying, stupid _idiota. _Jou got out of that _inferno_ alive while all of jour family and friends died painfully. Jou should be thankful that jou made it out, not crying and carrying on like a...a…_poco niña._" Taz stood up abruptly, knocking her chair over in the process and stomped over to the bathroom again, placing her shaking hands on both sides of the sink and stared at her reflection in the mirror, hating what she saw there. She clenched her jaw, trying to force the tears back in but they continued to pour out, causing Taz to shake with anger.

"No matter what anyone says, jou're _weak._" She spat the last word, oddly finding peace in saying it. "Jou were _weak _then, jou're _weak _now, and jou will always be _WEAK!"_ She shattered the mirror with her bare fist, relishing the sharp stab of pain that shot through her hand as tiny slivers of glass embedded themselves into her skin. The pain made her feel alive, reminded her that she was _weak._ Despite the pain that she felt now, it was nothing compared to the pain that she felt in her heart.

Her family was gone, dead for good.

Her closest friends were gone, dead for good.

She had no one, absolutely alone.

The few friends that she did have didn't know anything about her. They thought that she was the toughest sonofabitch that the Starship Rangers had ever seen. But that was a lie.

She wasn't tough.

She was _weak_.

She let herself feel the sharp stab of pain through her heart, instead of closing herself off.

She cried as the glass stabbed her skin.

Nothing compared to being burned alive by psychotic robots.

She wasn't tough…

She was _weak._

Taz brushed the tears on her cheeks away impatiently, forcing herself to grow up and be tough like everyone wanted her to be, forcing herself to ignore the ramblings in her head and walk back into her room, trying for some normality despite the dark thoughts that came to her mind, enhanced with the buzz of the alcohol still running through her system. She would show them, she would show all of them.

She wasn't _weak._

She had to be tough, she had to be.

Even as the phrase circled through her mind, she knew the truth; she was…_weak. _

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><p>Up left the bar. He was much more sober than his crew who he left slumped against the wall, Krayonder singing Barbie Girl too loudly and way off key. Even as he wondered where he should go at the late hour, or whether he ought to just go to bed, he found himself walking towards Taz's room. Taz's behavior at her makeshift birthday "party" had seemed off, and he knew what was bothering her. During her past birthdays, she had simply locked herself in her room and refused to be seen but this year the rest of the crew wanted to celebrate. In the words of February, "you only turn twenty five once".<p>

Up came to a halt in front of her door, noting the shouts and screams that were coming from inside the room. Up prayed to the dead-God that it was nothing that he hadn't handled before and turned to the keypad to type in Taz's code. At first he was taking his time, but when he heard sudden zapper fire from inside, he typed the numbers with blurring speed and practically pried the doors open. When he barged into the room, Taz glanced up in surprise, brown eyes wide in shock. It became obvious to Up at once that Taz was drunk. Actually, Taz was past drunk, she was totally wasted. Usually when Taz drank, Up was able to control her perfectly fine. When Taz drank like she obviously had tonight, however, Up wasn't sure.

Without preamble, Up took three quick strides across the room and tried to wrestle the zapper out of Taz's hands. Taz, however, would have none of it.

"Get off, jou stupid _idiota_! Leave me alone!" After three tries of forcing the gun out of her hands, Up tried persuasion. He held Taz out at arm's length and forced her chin up so that his bright blue eyes could meet her alcohol-dazed brown ones. He took a deep breathe, making sure he was completely calm before he continued.

"Taz, you need to calm down. You're not thinking clearly and you just need to lie down and take a nice rest," he saw something flicker in her eyes, but he wasn't sure what it was. He got down to her eye level to try again, earning himself a face full of spit.

"Jou need to calm down, I'm perfectly fine." As if to illustrate her point, Taz pulled away from him so quickly that Up barely had time to register what had happened. Before he could grab her again, he was hit in the head with something very heavy, knocking him unconscious for a few moments.

Up groaned as he lifted his head and Dead-god it hurt! He tried to lift his hand to find the bump he surely had, but found his hands bound with thick rope. He finally cleared his head and took in the situation. He was tied to Taz's desk chair; the girl in question was lying on her bed, twirling her zapper around and around. Up thought he was going to be sick. Taz had never attacked him (deliberately) before, he had no clue what had gotten into the girl. She clearly was going through some sort of mental breakdown; Up only hoped that he could help her sort out her feelings, something that Taz was never quite good at. Without looking at him, Taz spoke. Up had to strain to hear what she was saying.

"I wonder how many hits it would take with one of dese to kill someone…" Up's heart sank. "I know I've killed people before, but I never tried seeing how many hits it took, I just blasted away…" Up cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Why would you wonder something like that Taz?" He saw her shrug.

"Just wondering." She laughed, but it wasn't her usual laugh. Her usual laugh was so bright and warm, the laugh that came out of her mouth sent Up's skin crawling. Taz turned her dark eyes on him and stood quickly, walking over to him. "Why do jou care, Up?" She laughed that horrid laugh again. "Are jou afraid I'm going to shoot jou?" Up shook his head, although that was exactly what he was afraid of. The sarcastic smile slid from Taz's face, replaced with a glare that would send the toughest rangers screaming. "Good. Jou shouldn't be afraid Up, because if jou are, do jou know what that makes jou?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued. "It makes jou _weak_. Are jou _weak_, Up?" He shook his head quicker than before. Taz nodded as if confirming what Up had said.

"I know that jou aren't_ weak_, Up…I know. I am, though. I am_ weak_." Up looked into Taz's eyes and saw all the sadness that she had been bottling up for so many years there, waiting to burst out.

"You're not weak, Taz." Up had apparently said the wrong thing, because she just got angrier.

"_CALLAR! SOLO CALLAR!_" Tears began streaming down her cheeks. "I am _weak_. I am _weak_ because I'm scared." Up could see the fear in her eyes, she was indeed scared. "I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone. I wouldn't be scared if I was going to hurt myself, that I can live with." She swallowed, her eyes wide. "I'm scared I'm going to hurt jou, Up."

"Taz, you need to put down the gun and untie me, we can sort this out." She reluctantly raised her eyes to look at him.

"If I untie jou, jou'll just leave like everyone else! Like everyone I've lost!" She was now sobbing openly. "It's not fair, Up. Dey had to die while I got to live, what kind of sick fate is dat? I was too scared to do anything, I couldn't help anyone. I just sat dere while my entire _famillia_ got slaughtered by those _hijos de puta! _And I tried to be tough for jou Up, I tried! But I can't kid myself anymore, I'm_ weak_. I was never tough, it was all just an act but jou know what?" She smiled a sad, tortured smile. "I'm not scared anymore. I'm going to join dem, Up. I'm going to be with my _familia_ again and den I can stop trying to be what I'm not." She walked over to Up and laid a kiss on his cheek, the spot burned after she pulled away. She raised the zapper to her head, her hand shaking violently. Up's eyes were wide with fear as he used all of his strength to get out of the bindings, but the ropes were too strong and they were tied too tight, Taz had made sure of that.

Taz smiled at him, a goodbye smile.

Up shook his head, denying what was happening as he sobbed shamelessly, trying to will the right words to reach Taz before it was too late.

Trying to save the toughest person he had ever known.

"I love jou, Up. I will always love jou and I hope dat jou will be able to love me too, someday." She put some tension on the trigger, but not pulling it yet.

"Remember me, Up. Remember me as the tough ranger jou made me. Remember me as jour student, and jour best friend. Jou were my best friend Up, and I love jou."

"Taz," She smiled at him, and the zapper fired, hitting its target dead on.

Taz crumpled to the floor, blood trickling out of her head, eyes shut and her face relaxed in death.

Up howled, a sound so broken and lost.

Taz, his best friend and the love of his life was dead.

She was the toughest ranger, and the toughest person he had ever known.

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><p><strong>Here's the tough part...<strong>

**Yeah, Taz...well, yeah. But I'm giving you the choice as the readers! Should I continue writing this and have Taz be only hurt and Up has to help her deal with her emotions like she helped him, or should I leave her as she is and write a small little epilogue, or should I leave it as it is entirely?**

**Decisions, decisions...Tell me what you think! Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2: Who are You?

**Hey! I'm back! I'm so sorry that it took...wow, that long huh? In all actuality, I had this chapter done for a while but I never got around to uploading it...hehe. So, I'm not sure how well I like this chapter or where exactly I'm going with it so...we'll see! Tell me what you think and if you have an idea speak up! Maybe it'll get used! ) Thanks for your patience and enjoy!**

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><p>Taz was aware of someone calling to her, but the sound was funny. It sounded muffled and smothered like she was hearing it from far away and it wouldn't quite reach her. She tried walking toward the source, but she couldn't move her feet. She strained to look at them, but her head was held firmly in place. As she stared at the floor, at least she thought it was the floor but she wasn't quite sure due to the fact that everything around her was a brilliant white, she saw a drop of scarlet splatter, standing out in dark contrast. As she watched more drops fell, but she wasn't sure what the source was. Before she was able to think clearly, a stabbing pain rang through her head. Her body began to work at once, as if an electric current was running through it. Taz crouched onto the floor, screaming at the top of her lungs. She felt like she was about to be split in half. In between bouts of her screams, she heard the voice calling to her again, more insistent this time.<p>

Taz knew that voice. She knew who it was connected to but she couldn't place a name to it quite yet. Every time she felt like she knew it at last, it would slip from her mind like it didn't want her to remember. Taz felt like if she could only just get out of this white room, she would be able to think clearly. She looked around earnestly, as if expecting to see a red "exit" sign nearby. Without thinking, she ran forward, eyes closed and praying to the Dead-god that she would be able to find her way out of the terrifying room.

Taz opened her eyes and she felt her heart sink as she found herself looking at a white wall once again. But that wasn't the only thing that was in the room. As she blinked her eyes, trying to clear her sight, she saw at least half a dozen machines gathered around the bed she was lying in. Even as she stared at the machines in wonder, they scared her to death. She didn't even want to think about what some of them did. It became clear to her, however, that she was in a hospital of some sort. She hoped it was the small hospital housed in Starship 15-A2 and not some random hospital full of people she didn't know.

The door opened suddenly, causing Taz to jump and the heart rate monitor to spike. A tired-looking nurse came in looking at some papers in a folder, clearly not expecting Taz to be awake. She cleared her throat and the nurse looked up in shock. The nurse's eyes widened and she came over to the side of Taz's bed.

"Do you know who you are?" Taz thought that was a rather stupid question to ask; of course she knew who she was.

"_Si_, Tasiana Lopez." The nurse looked confused and Taz remembered that not everyone knew her real name. "I mean…Taz." The nurse nodded and smiled.

"How do you feel?" She knew that the nurse was talking about how she felt health-wise but Taz blurted the first thing that came to her mind.

"Confused." She just smiled wider. There was something wrong with her smile, though. It was as if the nurse was smiling in a sad way, almost looking at Taz with pity. Without saying anything, she got up and checked the various machines and wrote random things on a clipboard. By the time she had checked every machine, Taz was sufficiently pissed off. She wanted to know what had happened to land her in the Dead-god forsaken hospital in the first place! Before she was able to scream at the poor girl, however, she left the room with her clipboard clutched to her chest. Taz screamed in frustration at the empty room. She knew she was overreacting, but she didn't care. She was sore, she was confused, and she just wanted to get out of this freaking room!

Before she could rationalize with herself, she stood abruptly from her bed and tried to walk to the door. She didn't get far, though, because the numerous wires that lead from the machines in the room lead to various parts of her body. She knew that one was called an I.V. and she noted that she had a couple in her arms, she winced when she thought of the bruises she would surely have there. She tried to convince herself to go a little further, but instead collapsed on her bed in relief.

The door opened for the second time and Taz was ready to scream at whoever walked through, but she froze. Her brown eyes met the visitor's blue ones and her breath was gone from her. She knew at once that his was the voice she was hearing, trying to bring her back to consciousness and out of that terrifying white room. She tried, once again, to place a name with his familiar face but drew a blank. She knew that she knew him, that she had known him for a long time and that they were friends, maybe more than that, but she couldn't think of his name! He didn't speak, as if he was waiting for her to speak first, but she didn't know what to say. She didn't want to say "hi, I know you but I don't know your name so thanks for visiting and goodbye," that would just make her look stupid. But if there was something Taz was good at, it was staring someone down until they did what she wanted. At last he spoke.

"Taz, why did you do it?" She could feel the disappointment in his voice and just pissed her off more. If she knew why she did it, then she would probably know what she did…which she didn't.

"I don't know what jou're talking about. De only thing I know is dat I've been sitting in this _maldito _room all day and no one has told me anything. If jou would like to be de first, be my guest." She knew she was being rude and unreasonable. It wasn't his fault that no one was telling her what was going on, but it felt good to get some of her frustrations out. He took a deep breath and hesitated, as if he didn't want to tell her what happened.

"Okay. Keep in mind; you were very drunk when this happened. It was your birthday party and you…had a couple drinks. You left the bar on your own and I followed you because, well…" he hesitated again and Taz glared at him before he pushed on. "Because I was worried about you! So I followed you and I went into your room and you were acting really strange. You had a zapper in your hand and I tried to get it away from you, but instead you knocked me unconscious. When I woke up you were acting even stranger and finally you threatened to kill yourself," he stopped here and Taz saw tears in his eyes, she was shocked when she realized that she had tears in her eyes too. "I tried to stop you Taz, I did! But before I could stop you, you…shot yourself. I thought you were dead but someone came and they said that you were still alive! It's a miracle that you're even alive Taz, you've been in a coma for two months and they were almost ready to pronounce you brain dead but I wouldn't let them! I told them that you were going to pull through and you did!" He came over to the side of her bed and hugged her as best as he could. She hugged him back, still mostly in shock. She had tried to kill herself? And she had been in a coma for two months? Why didn't she remember any of it? She vaguely remembered very dark thoughts and some sort of argument her and someone else had, that must have been what her visitor had been talking about. What made her so depressed in the first place? He had said that it was her birthday and they were celebrating and….

Then it hit her.

Her birthday…ten years ago.

The robots attacked, mercilessly killing every man, woman, and child at her _Quincea__ñ__era_.

Her entire family, dead.

She was the only one left, completely alone.

The man noticed her change of mood and let her go, looking at her with concern. He put a hand on her shoulder and she shook it away, wincing at the stab of pain as it rang through her body. Before he could ask her what was wrong, she asked the first question that popped into her head.

"Who are jou, anyway?" She saw his face fall and for a second she was worried that she hurt him.

"Taz don't you remember me?" He sounded so lost and it made Taz want to just lie and tell him that she did, but she couldn't. For some reason, she just couldn't lie to him. She shook her head and for a minute he looked stunned before he regained his composure.

"Well, that is only natural I suppose for you to uh, forget some things. Let's see…well, for starters my name is Up."

"Up?" he nodded. "What da hell kind of a name is dat?" Up chuckled.

"I could ask you the same thing, Taz." She smiled, it was a small smile but he noticed it nonetheless. "Up isn't my real name, just like Taz isn't your real name. Don't worry; soon you'll remember everything,"

"Then will things go back to normal?" Up's smile wavered. "What?"

"Well Taz, um…they're not letting you leave until you undergo a psychiatric examination."

"What da hell for?" He shifted uncomfortably.

"Well, you DID try to uh….well, yeah." Taz brushed it off.

"Yeah, but jou said I was drunk off my ass," that got a chuckle out of him.

"You were, but still." He looked at her with pity. "You have some stuff that you need to deal with Taz, and there are some really great doctors that can help you deal with your emot-" he was cut off

"No way, I'm not seeing any doctor. I'm not _loco_, Up! I was….just a little upset. But I'm better now, see?" She smiled a very fake smile, trying to convince him of her mental health, but he didn't look quite so sure.

"Taz, I think it's a good idea for you to see someone. It might help with your depress-" once again he was cut off.

"Don't say it, I'm not depressed! I'm not depressed and I'm not going to talk about my feelings with some stranger!" Up sighed.

"Fine then. I'm going to give you two options. One: you can 'talk about your feelings with some stranger' as you put it, or two: you can talk about your feelings…with me." Up watched her face closely as she sorted through the pros and cons of each option. Finally, she made her decision.

"Fine den. I will….talk about my feelings with…" she bit her lip, considering her options very carefully. "I will talk about my feelings with jou." Up was shocked, Taz wanted him to help her? She usually didn't want him to help her with anything, let alone with her feelings. If it was one thing that Up knew about, however, it would be feelings. "Does dat satisfy jou?"

"Aw, c'mon Taz act a little cheerier! At least you don't have to sit on one of those couches while some old guy writes down your every thought!"

"Dat's true. I get to sit on jour bed while we don't do anything and we can call it working out my 'feelings' without anyone knowing!" He rolled his eyes at her and she just smirked at him. For now, everything seemed normal between them. Everything besides the fact that Taz knew almost nothing about him or their years as friends. That fact stung, they had been partners (in battle) for years. He had been her mentor through the academy, he had helped her study, and he taught her everything that he knew. She had been there for him when he went…soft. Well, she had been there for him and he would be there for her every step of the way.


	3. Chapter 3: First Night Back

**Does anyone even remember this story?! :) I hope you do and I hope you enjoy this chapter! I'm sorry I abandoned you guys, I was having...serious writer's block I guess. I really hope you like this chapter and I hope you tell me what you think!**

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><p>"<em>Mierda<em>!" She fell onto the rough, rocky ground, sufficiently scraping her entire forearm. She could feel the blood trickle from the wound, but she had to keep moving. She jumped to her feet in one swift movement and was off running again. She didn't even have time to wonder where her enemy was before she was grabbed from behind by two metal claws and dragged roughly behind her assailant. She had no clue where she was being taken; she could only attempt to escape. She tried holding onto trees and plants, but the robots merely pulled her until she was forced to let go. By the time the robots had apparently reached their destination, the girl's legs were sore and her hands were rubbed raw. When the robots released her, she tried to run away, only to be met with a hard blow to the head. The girl shook it off and got to her feet, determined to fight her way out. Just as she had found solid ground, however, a metal claw made contact with her stomach, knocking the wind out of her. On and on the attack went. The poor girl tried to escape many times, only to be met with a blow from a robot. Finally she gave up and just laid on the hot, Mexican soil as the robots took turns beating her mercilessly.

She screamed out her fury

and her pain

and her loss

and her agony.

She screamed until her voice gave out and there was nothing left to scream. She opened her eyes, only to see a huge metal claw rise above her, and closed them tightly, not wanting to see the hit that would be her death.

"Taz! Taz!" Taz opened her eyes and immediately began to claw the arm that was grabbing her shoulder. The arm pulled away and Taz thrashed around as two hands grabbed the side of her face. Her confused eyes locked with a pair of cool blue eyes that took her breath away. She gave up her fight and the Stranger began rubbing her back soothingly.

"Are you okay, Taz?" Taz nodded, looking at the floor in shame. She couldn't believe how weak she was being! She was behaving like a little _bebé. _Her cheeks flushed and she pushed the Stranger away.

"I'm sorry I woke jou, it won't happen again" she was answered with a chuckle and she raised her head to look at her companion. "Who are jou, anyway?" His face fell.

"Remember Taz? My name's Up…" she shook her head and he sighed. "I'm here to help you regain your memory and to help you get over your…episode…"

She remembered that…

The blaster, cool in her hand

The sound of blaster-fire

Then….nothing

Only pain.

Just as she was about to open her mouth to ask the man called Up what exactly happened, her door opened. Krayonder rushed in and started blabbering away in his annoying, excitable voice.

"Taz, are you alright man? I heard shouting from your room so I came as soon as I could!" Taz got up and pushed him away from her.

"I'm fine, Krayon-der! Do jou think just because I had a _minuscule _lapse I need jou to come to my rescue?" Up stood up and put his hand on Taz's shoulder.

"Sorry Krayonder, she's a little upset. But everything's fine here, you can go back to your bunk…" Taz cut over him.

"Yeah, so leave!" Krayonder nodded and ran out of the room faster than he rushed in. Taz turned to look at the man with a smirk. "We told him, didn't we…"

"Up. And yes, Taz, we did!" Up smiled at the girl's change of mood, but it faltered slightly. Up turned his head, hoping Taz wouldn't notice his sudden sadness. Of course, she did.

She put her hand on his chin and gently forced him to look at her.

"What's da matter, Up?" He shrugged, not wanting to ruin her good mood. He prayed that she would drop the matter. Of course, she didn't.

"Tell me what's wrong or I'll stab jou…" she meant it as a joke, but it sounded harsh to Up and his eyes flashed with fear. "Too soon?"

Up nodded and sat down on the bed with a sigh. Taz mimicked him and he looked over at her and smiled. He ruffled her hair fondly and she yelled in outrage. In a swift movement, Taz had Up pinned on the bed. She smiled in a way that clearly said "I won".

"Please tell me, Up? I'll drop it if jou just tell me what's da matter" after a few passing second, Up nodded. He gently picked Taz up and sat her down next to him on the bed.

"It's just….well I think it's weird that you remember who Krayonder is, but you don't remember…" His voice trailed off.

"Jou." He nodded. "It's not like I want to forget jou, Up! It isn't my fault!" Taz's voice rose hysterically and Up quickly put a hand up to stop her before she worked herself up.

"Of course I know it isn't your fault, Taz! It's just…"

"Frustrating?" he nodded again. Taz looked down at her lap, sadly. She wanted to remember all the fun times Up said they had together. Right now, she wasn't even sure what her relationship with him was. She knew that he was her Commander and she his Lieutenant. She also knew that they had worked together for years and were apparently best friends…but that's where her knowledge stopped. Taz had a thought and looked up quickly.

"Tomorrow, when I talk to da doctor, I'll ask him why I can't remember anything about jou, okay? Maybe he knows why!" Up looked over at her and smiled.

"Yeah, maybe Taz…" Taz yawned and lay back down on the bed. Up settled in next to her, careful not to touch her so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. He needn't have worried. As soon as he lay down next to her, she curled into him, matching his body perfectly. With her head on his chest, it was in the exact correct placement for him to lay his head down on the top of hers, completing the puzzle. Taz yawned again, moving Up's head slightly as she did.

"Will jou keep my nightmares away, Up?" Her voice was so small and sad, it took all the strength he had to not ruin their perfect positioning and embrace her. He whispered to her,

"Yeah Taz, I will. I won't let anything ever hurt you ever again." He wasn't sure if she heard him or not, she was sound asleep with her body draped over his like she was the one comforting him.

And perhaps she was.


	4. Chapter 4: Just Too Much

**Does anyone remember this story?! I hope so! ^_^ Sorry it took so long for me to post, things have been crazy what with me becoming a college kid and all! But, here's the new chapter and I hope you enjoy! (I promise I'm going somewhere with this, even if it seems like I'm not!) **

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><p>"BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!" The small girl groaned and slowly sat up. She glared at the offending object as it repeated BEEPING, just to annoy her. She hissed and shoved the alarm clock off her bedside table, effectively shutting it up. She smirked in satisfaction and settled back down under her warm covers, sighing contently.<p>

"Taz, it's time to get up now." Taz scowled at the man in front of her. Up was already showered and dressed for the day, and Taz had yet to get out of bed.

"I think I'm having another nightmare," she mumbled as she rolled over, facing the wall. Taz jumped when she felt pressure on the bed as Up sat down beside her. He shook her gently.

"C'mon Taz, time to face the day!" He grinned as she batted his hands away. "Don't be like that!" He tickled her foot that was sticking out of the covers and she sat up quickly. She gently pushed him away from her and he tumbled off the bed into a heap on the floor. He stood up and rubbed his head. "Geeze Taz, you aren't a morning person are ya?"

"I don't have to get up…I'm still recovering," she huffed. Taz then flopped back down into the less-than-satisfactory bed that was provided by the Starship. Giving a sigh, Up kneeled down beside Taz and brushed a hair out of her face. Her deep brown eyes opened and stared at him, still fuzzy with sleep. "What are jou doing, Up?" she blinked. A huge grin spread over his face.

"Hey, you remembered my name, Taz!" He laughed. "That's definitely an improvement…" A slow smile found its way onto Taz's face. She jumped up and hugged Up tightly.

"Things are gonna get better, Up…I can feel it." He nodded and embraced her, not wanting to let her go.

"I know Taz, I know." She hugged him tighter before reluctantly pulling away. Up had a strange smile on his face, it made Taz uncomfortable.

"What is it, Up?" He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, not meeting her eyes. Taz grabbed her Commander's chin and forced him to look at her. "What is it?" She asked again, her voice gentler. Up sighed heavily.

"It's just…today is your first day of therapy, Taz." The small woman's hand slipped off his chin and her mouth twisted like she tasted something sour.

"I nearly forgot those _hijos de puta_ think I'm going _loco_," She quietly remarked. Up's face darkened.

"Uh…there's something else I gotta tell ya, Taz…" Her head whipped up, staring into his deep blue eyes with her own cold, brown ones.

"What is it?" She growled, not liking his tone one bit. The older man sat down beside her on the bed, practically seething. She twisted her torso so she was facing him. "What is it?" Taz repeated, her voice low and dangerous.

"They told me today that I can't be your therapist. That you have to go to a "specialist"," Up spat the word bitterly into the air. Taz's eyes narrowed.

"What?" She must have heard him wrong. She must have. He sighed and put his head in his hands.

"I can't be your therapist, Taz."

Red.

That was all she saw.

Red.

The color of blood.

The color of hate.

The color of RAGE.

Taz pushed herself off the bed and started pacing around the room like a tiger caught in a cage. It was all too much; it was just all too much. She couldn't breathe; she was taking shallow, gasping breaths that made Up wince from where he was sitting. During one of her slow laps around the room, she kicked the wall. Hard.

"_Joder_!" She screamed, clutching her bare foot with one hand, leaning against the wall with the other. Up went to her side immediately. He guided her over to the low bed and helped her sit. When he tried to touch her foot, she pulled away and practically hissed at him.

Sadness clouded Up's eyes as he was brought back to that night. He was only trying to help, but he had ended up making things so much worse. He withdrew reluctantly, leaving Taz to tend to her bruised foot alone. He winced over and over again as curse words – both in English and in Spanish – drifted through the cracked bathroom door where she had retreated. He winced when he heard slamming. He winced when he heard screaming. When he heard sobbing, however, he couldn't take it anymore.

Up pushed open the bathroom door to find Taz sitting on the floor, curled up into a tiny ball. He had to clench his jaw to stop the steady flow of tears that would surely start if he allowed a few to trickle out. He went over to the small, broken girl and wrapped his arms around her. Taz stiffened and pushed him away.

"Go away Up," she spat, venom in her voice. Up just kneeled there, arms halfway outstretched, not sure what to do. Finally, he settled on pulling the tiny girl closer to him. Taz fought him tooth and nail, grabbing onto the slippery base of the toilet and kicking his hands away before finally going limp and allowing herself to be dragged over to her friend. Up kissed the top of her head softly.

"Taz, don't do this to yourself. They aren't worth your time." Up felt his lieutenant shake in his arms.

It was all just too much.

They stayed like that on the bathroom floor for a good twenty minutes before Taz unfolded herself. She wiped her red, puffy eyes and ran a hand under her nose, clearing up any liquid that was leaking from it. Taz looked up, tears still clinging to her dark eyelashes like the first dew in the spring. She took a deep, shaky breath and Up rubbed his hand soothingly along her spine. Finally, she opened her mouth to speak.

"I…I don't want to go, Up." The man in question usually considered himself a tough sonofabitch, but hearing how lost and broken Taz sounded nearly broke him too.

He had to stay strong, for her.

"Then don't go, Taz." She looked up at him, her confusion evident. "Who says you have to go?" Up nearly laughed, it all seemed so silly now. Taz didn't have to go to therapy if she didn't want to go. Taz eventually smiled and started laughing along with him, the sound was music to the Commander's ears.

"Jou're right, I don't have to go!" She jumped up and ran to get changed into her usual camouflage pants and white tank top. Suddenly, the day seemed a whole lot brighter. She finally tied her lucky red bandana around her forehead and gestured for Up to follow her. He took her hand and the two walked down to the cafeteria, laughing the entire way.

Taz sat down across from Krayonder, who was staring intently at his computer. He looked up as Taz approached and gave her a weird look.

"You're in a better mood today, man," he casually remarked, watching her cautiously. "Don't you have your appointment today in, like, an hour?" Taz shook her head, grinning wider.

"Nope! I'm not going!" Up ruffled Taz's hair affectionately and Krayonder's eyes widened.

"What? But doesn't that go against the Commander's orders?" Taz frowned.

"I'm following my Commander, not that _gilipollas _who thinks 'e's in charge of de whole ship." Krayonder frowned, making deep creases between his eyebrows. Taz didn't like it when he frowned, it meant things weren't right.

"Taz, man, if you don't get better they're going to send you off to another Starship where there aren't any distractions. Do you want that?" He inspected her face closely as she took in his words. She wasn't smiling anymore. "Do you want to be away from your crew, from your friends, from Up?" Up glared at Krayonder.

"Don't you be scaring her like that, boy!" Taz shook her head.

"What if it's true?"

"Of course it's true!" Krayonder exclaimed, frowning sadly at Taz. "Don't ruin this for yourself. Just get better." Krayonder and Up watched Taz as she thought deeply about the situation she was in. Finally, she nodded. Krayonder sighed in relief.

"Alright, I'll do it. I'll go to the _estupido _doctor." Krayonder stood and walked around to the other side of the table.

"Let me walk you there myself," he extended his arm, causing Taz to burst out in a fit of nervous giggles. She went to grab his arm, then turned to Up. He smiled sadly at her.

"It's okay, let Krayonder take you." Taz nodded and stood up with Krayonder, smiling at Up as they walked away from him.

Taz and Krayonder eventually reached her doctor's office. The door looked the same as all of the other doors, besides the fact that it bore "Dr. Bard" in small, nondescript, black lettering. Taz glanced at Krayonder nervously before entering. Dr. Bard was a tall man. The only way Taz could begin to describe him is that he could have been on the cover of "Therapists Monthly" (if such a magazine existed) and not look out of place. Bard (or as Taz had decided to call him in her head, Barb) pushed his thick-rimmed glasses up his nose before extending his hand to her.

"You must be Lieutenant Taz, it's an honor to meet you." Taz had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. She grasped his thick hand and shook it.

"I wish I could say the same," she mumbled before sinking down into the black leather chair behind her. Bard/Barb sat down behind his desk and regarded her.

"You do know why you're here, don't you miss…"

"Just call me Taz." He nodded.

"Taz…" He bent down and scribbled something into a notebook that the girl hadn't noticed before. "Now, Taz, you do know why you're here, correct?" She shook her head.

"No."

"You don't know why?" She shook her head again.

"No, I don't." He nodded, wrote something in his notebook, and looked back up.

"Alright, let's start with some easy questions. How are you feeling today?" Taz let out a short, humorless laugh.

"Pissed." A smirk twisted her lips as she watched Bard/Barb swallow whatever he was going to say.

"And why is that?" Her smirk turned into a scowl like the flip of a switch.

"Because I have to talk wit' jou. Because jou won't let me talk with Up," she spat. The doctor nodded.

"Well, I thought it was best, considering the…situation that took place between the two of you." Taz sneered at the man.

"Why does everyone keep saying dat?! I don't even know what happened, okay?!" Bard/Barb put up his hands as if soothing a wild beast. The action just made Taz more pissed. "So stop stepping around my feelings and just tell me what happened!" She breathed heavily for a few moments, glaring at her doctor. When he didn't respond, she spoke again.

"What…happened?" He finally sighed and sat up in his chair.

"That's what we're trying to figure out," was all that he said.

Red. The color had returned.

It was soothing, really.

It meant that she didn't have to think.

Didn't have to be herself.

Was she crazy?

Taz blinked and looked around. She saw the chair she was sitting in laying on the floor, its wheels spinning madly. Books that had been neatly stacked on the doctor's desk were now strewn across the room, some with pages torn out that were still fluttering back down to the grey carpet below. Taz looked up at Doctor Bard/b. He simply remained where he was sitting, but now he was regarding her with interest rather than just pity.

"You may go, that will be all for today." He didn't sound mad, but Taz had the sinking feeling in her stomach that the doctor would be filing this as a report. She nodded numbly and shuffled from the office, stepping over fallen pages and books with broken spines. She walked all the way back to her room with her head down, feeling defeated. When Taz pushed through the door, she felt a guilty jolt as Up strode over to her.

"How did it go, Tazzy?" Her throat clenched at the nickname he had given her so many years ago and she sank to the floor, sobbing. Up rubbed her back. "Shh…just tell me what happened."

"Red…so much, and then…he told me to get out…" She gasped. Up just stared at her, confused.

"What?" Just as she was about to try to make out a more coherent answer, the door opened. Krayonder sauntered in. He stopped suddenly when he took in Taz curled up on the floor. Krayonder ran over and kneeled down beside her.

"Taz, what happened?" He asked, sadly. She shook her head.

"Dat was a bad idea, nothing good came out of it!" She wiped her tears away.

She was so sick of crying.

So sick of being _weak_.

Krayonder shook his head and grabbed her face between his hands, forcing her to look at him. Up shuffled uncomfortably behind them.

"Hey, listen to me. You're going to keep trying," when Taz continued to shake her head, Krayonder nodded. "Yes, you will. You _will _keep trying, and you _will _get better, and you _will _regain your Lieutenant status, and you _will _join the team again. But you have to try first." He nodded again. "Can you do that? Can you try?"

Reluctantly, Taz started nodding with him.

"I can…I can try."


End file.
